S'motherboard

Here’s……………………………..Joanie!

10/28

Dear Adam & Dana-

Am at my desk and thought I’d drop a line re:  Halloween.

When you open the door to give out candy, please make sure it’s children at the door as they’re having robbers go out on Halloween to rob people’s houses.  I read it in paper.

Also, when you go to Miami on Thanksgiving, please don’t give Michael a ride anywhere as he goes to ‘bad’ places & don’t let him drive the car.  Just stay far away from him.  Really!!

I sent Nan the picture of you & me Adam in Boston that you gave me.

Take care of each other-

Love, Mom

Let’s see…asphyxiation?  Check.  Vandalism? Check.  Make sure you worry about things that really don’t matter? Check.

And, oh yeah…I almost forgot something…Does your wife not like when I visit?

Adam-
Watch Marcello as he puts things around his neck and he could choke himself! Also, make sure the front door is locked as anyone could come up and open the door.
And, when you pick-up Truman, make sure you get there early enough so you could get a parking spot.
Why does Maria wait till I leave before she comes home? I never get to see her! Is it personal?
Love,
Mom

Warnings. They’re as constant as the Four Seasons…
Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall.
Only in my mother’s world, they’re better known as-
Aunt Bonnie, Uncle Michael, Alisa and Saul.
Well, it rhymes, right?

March 14, 1988
Saturday
Dear Adam,
Don’t tell Bonnie any of your business unless you want everyone to know.
She likes to talk to people. It makes her feel important.
Don’t ever let Michael in your apartment. He’s no good and he’ll steal anything you have when you’re not looking. I’m very serious. I won’t let him in mine and Bonnie told me she won’t let him in hers.
You better believe if he shows up there, it’s for no good.
Is Alisa working or going to school? What is she doing? What are her goals?
Saul, my landlord, is a bastard and after June, I will be out of here.
Love,
Mom

 

I give you all permission to use the above for your next Match.com profile update.
Happy Passover and Easter to all!

Sunday
Adam-
Don’t eat nuts! It is bad for you and very hard to digest.
That’s why the doctor told me not to eat corn or anything that can get caught in the intestine. As you know, corn comes out the way it goes in!
I have gallstones, a hernia, a sensitive intestine and high blood pressure so because I’ve been to enough doctors, I have some knowledge of what not to eat. I also have arthritis but because of my age, I’m not complaining.
I’m not putting you in my category at all. Just watch what you put in your mouth and get enough rest. You’ll be fine.
Keep your bowels open.
Love,
Mom

 

Oh No!…NOT THE DREADED NASAL INFECTION!!!!

3/18/1986
Monday
Dear Adam,
Just a thought!
Tim had an infection before I left.
A nasal infection.
That can be contagious if you drink from the same glass or use the same utensil.
So I hope you didn’t catch it from him.
If you did, you have to go on antibiotics, so you can call Dr. Caplan and he can order it over the phone.
Love,
Mom

 

“Anyway, I’ll see you later.”

February 7, 2012
Tuesday
Adam-
You can’t keep going like this 24 hours a day. You can’t go out with Maria Sunday afternoon, Adam. You have to get some rest. What do you want to do-Drop Dead? God Forbid!
Anyway, I’ll see you later.
Love,
Mom

My mother likes to move. From apartments in South Beach, to houses in LA. From studios in Greenwich Village to a pad in Las Vegas. But the one thing that has remained constant throughout is the fact that whereever she lives is FAR too remote or dangerous of a place for me to visit. Ever.

This was courageously written from the very savage-infested area known as Staten Island, New York.

December 2000
Just a reminder:
Over the holidays, it would be a good idea to wear your seat belt.
Love,
Mom
And don’t ever go down to where I’m staying under any circumstances.

 

Nanny are you ok? So Nanny are you ok? Are you Ok, Nanny?

Saturday
Adam-
Don’t go near Nan until we find out from the doctor why she has a rash all over her body and face! I don’t know if it’s contagious. So stay away.
Love,
Mom

 

I know a lot of folks were worried about Y2K.

This was pre-911, but not pre-apocalyptic thinking. I remember CNN’s report suggesting people go buy bottled water, toiletries, candles, batteries, and plenty of canned food. Then came my mother’s letter written to me on Monday, December 28th, 1999. Now even though her warnings may have seemed appropriate at the time, please try and understand that I grew up with this kind of thing…every single day of every single year. Y2K just became the catalyst and justification for everyone else to jump on board the Fear Fiesta…

Adam-
In the year 2000, don’t go up in a plane New Year’s Eve & don’t go on an elevator! Those are only the 2 things to avoid until we see how computers are working.
Love,
Mom

 

This letter was mailed to Maria and I on May 17th, 2001, several months before we got married. We still hadn’t finalized our honeymoon plans, so of course, an informed suggestion here and there never hurts.
Right?

Wednesday
Adam & Maria-

You shouldn’t go to South America on your honeymoon. I was just watching news on TV & the militia in Columbia just kidnapped some more Americans. They have been doing this in parts of South America & it is not safe there. It is not safe in Israel either. Hawaii is safe. Please don’t put yourself in harms way when you’re just starting out together!
Love,
Mom
P.S. You’re supposed to have a tetanus shot every 10 years. When was your last one given? I think I asked you before.