The “PERSON”, “HE”, and “HIM” in this letter happened to be my maternal grandfather. He divorced my grandmother long before I was born, and Nan married the man I grew up knowing and loving as, my grandfather. Little did I know until my senior year of high school that (Surprise!) THAT guy wasn’t actually my “blood” grandfather. This guy in New Jersey (who never remarried and allegedly liked the occasional nookie from whores), was. Go figure. Sure I wanted him to come to my wedding. But there was my mother filling my head with the necessary commentary one needs to hear right before their big day. You know, I’m beginning to wonder if my mother (Surprise!) is really my mother…
Dementia is when the brain has deteriorated and the person cannot function rationally. So, anything he says is questionable. So, STAY AWAY from him before the wedding ’cause he’s trouble with a capital ‘T’.
I’ve tried to hire a reputable woman for him but he’d rather have his prostitutes! His friends (Frank, the barber) told me to stay away from him and concentrate on my own life. They all know he’s weird! Don’t worry. If he goes to wedding, Nan and I will gag and bind him! We’ll take care of him.
P.S. $20 is for a pizza for you and Maria.
This was written to me on May 10, 1986. It starts out normal enough, then spirals into woes about safe deposit boxes, and the terror of my “evil” UN…CLE…MI…CHAEL, (who was a constant worry for my mom.) The letter ends with 2 points every mother should pass on to their children. Inappropriate? Yes. Entertaining? Perhaps. Mortifying? You KNOW it. I submit to you, your Honor, exhibit #392,410:
Enclosed find payment that has to be made to National Direct Student Loan. Also enclosed is a check for $50 to help with it.
Benny sent me a birthday card. Wasn’t that nice?
Nan had given me the key to her safe-deposit box before she left. When she came back I went to give her the key which was supposed to be in the envelope. I hadn’t opened it to look inside when she gave it to me. As it turns out, there was nothing inside of the envelope. No key. Michael probably took it before he left to go out of town.
Just be advised that he is a thief! Do not allow him in your apartment at any time! Forewarned is forearmed. He probably took out whatever she had in that safe deposit box. Nan claims that she probably misplaced the key! Naturally, she defends him. Listen to me…
1. Don’t drink rain-water.
2. There’s a resistant form of gonorrhea going around. Use a condom.